When you’re diagnosed with a serious illness, you expect medical questions from doctors, not unsolicited life audits from friends and strangers. But for many, especially those diagnosed young, a cancer diagnosis becomes an open invitation for others to speculate about what you did wrong, what you should have eaten, or how your lifestyle “caused” it.
This isn’t just insensitive; it’s a common human response rooted in a desire for control in a chaotic world. People want to believe that good behavior equals good outcomes, and bad behavior equals suffering. But cancer doesn’t always follow that logic.
The author, Emma Vivian, experienced this firsthand after a diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer at 29. Friends questioned her diet (too much pasta? Too much sugar?), family implied genetic fate, and even strangers offered unsolicited health advice, ranging from herbal supplements to radiation warnings.
“When I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer at 29, I hadn’t anticipated how many opinions people would have about my illness or how freely they would share them,” Vivian writes.
The Myth of Control
The problem is that while lifestyle factors can influence cancer risk, they’re far from the whole story. Genetics, environmental toxins, and plain bad luck all play a role. As her oncologist explained, there’s no guarantee that even a perfectly “healthy” life shields you from cancer.
Yet, the social judgment persists. People seem to believe that if they can pinpoint the “reason” for someone else’s illness, they can avoid the same fate. This is tied to the “just-world fallacy,” a cognitive bias that makes us seek order and predictability where there is none.
Vivian’s experience isn’t unique. She notes that many young cancer patients face the same barrage of blame and unsolicited advice. Some are told their trauma caused it, others are pressured to try unproven treatments, and still others are left feeling isolated and judged.
Rising Rates, Unclear Answers
The irony is that cancer rates in young adults, particularly women, are rising. Diagnosis rates in women under 50 are now 82% higher than in men the same age. Theories range from modern diets to microplastics, but there’s no easy answer. Some oncologists even suspect environmental factors from the mid-20th century may be at play.
This means that even with the healthiest lifestyle, individuals are increasingly vulnerable. Cutting out sugar or plastic won’t change the air quality in your town.
What to Do Instead
Vivian suggests that if you’re unsure how to support someone with cancer, simply ask what they need. Most patients don’t want judgment; they want empathy and practical help. “If they want your opinion on staying cancer-free, they’ll likely ask for it. Otherwise, please trust that their oncologist has things covered.”
Ultimately, the lesson is clear: a cancer diagnosis doesn’t make someone responsible for their illness. It makes them vulnerable, and they need support—not unsolicited life audits.
Vivian concludes, “I long for the day when a newly diagnosed person doesn’t find themselves suddenly responsible for explaining their illness. When, instead of being asked, ‘Why did this happen to you?’ they only ever hear, ‘How can I be there for you?’”
